10 confidence killers and how to avoid them.

 

Some people are blessed with natural confidence, but the rest of us sometimes need to work on it. Below are 10 possible confidence pitfalls to recognise and avoid.

Negativity around you

 What I mean by that is things we are exposed to, things we read, watch, people we hang out with.  Unless you are very resilient, staying positive and confident around negativity can prove a challenge in itself. If you restrict seeing people in your life that make you feel negative, that doesn’t mean that you don’t like them. It just means that you respect yourself.

Language you use

There is tons of evidence that language can impact how we feel and behave. If you feed your mind with negative language, don’t expect to feel positive, motivated and confident. Build your awareness of what language you feed your mind with. Is your language generally empowering and positive, or weak and disempowering? Do you say to yourself “I am not good enough”, “I don’t deserve it” or alternatively “I know I can do it” and “I feel good about myself”.  Once you are aware of your narrative, you can work on improving it and increase your confidence.

Body language

You can tell a lot from looking at someone’s body language. You don’t have to be an expert in body language to tell just by observing someone’s body posture, eye contact or lack of, and handshake whether they are self conscious or confident. Similar to language, body language has a huge impact on how we feel and act. If you want to feel more confident, change your posture to reflect confidence. Take your eyes off the floor, smile, breathe deeply, have upright posture with shoulders back. Making these small changes can make a huge difference to your confidence as well as how others perceive you. 

Worrying about things you have no control over

It’s normal to worry sometimes. Unfortunately most people worry about the past and future and things you have no way of controlling. I even know people who worry about worrying. You are not going to feel good and confident if you worry, especially about things you have no control over. You have no control over your past and future (to some extent) but you are the only one who can control your emotions and how you react to a situation. Your attitude determines your aptitude!

Not treating mistakes and failures as learning

Going back to the previous point, how you react to a situation will determine your results. Let’s say you’ve just received a phone call saying that you didn’t get the job you had interviewed for. You have two choices. You either can react by saying: “I am such a failure”, “I am just not good enough”, “I am never going to get this job” etc. Or by saying: “Never mind, at least I had a chance to practice my interview skills”, “Next time I will be better prepared”. Failure is an on going process and if we are growing and taking risks, then failing isn’t abnormal. Your mistakes, but most importantly your attitude can either break you or make you stronger. The choice is yours alone!

Beliefs

Some people are more confident than others and one thing that distinguishes confident people from those who lack confidence are their beliefs about themselves and their capabilities. They take responsibility for their thoughts and don’t allow negative beliefs compromise their confidence. Those who lack confidence often react to their limiting beliefs with feelings and emotions rather than react rationally. They talk themselves into believing in whatever they choose, even when it’s harmful rather than helpful. As Henry Ford used to say “Whether you think you can, or you can’t – you are right” so pay attention to which beliefs are getting most of your energy.

Perfectionism

There is nothing wrong in striving for perfection. It only becomes a problem if you can’t move on or take action because you are bogged down with details and things that you think are not good enough. When do you stop listening to your inner critic? Where do you draw the line? If you don’t trust yourself to do something because of your perfectionism, then you are not going to feel confident. Confident people take action not because they think they are always right, but because they are not afraid of being wrong. Don’t let the fear of taking action prevent you from taking any action at all.

Always staying in your comfort zone

You can be amazing at what you do but even if you only do what you are amazing at you can lose your confidence in doing other things. Most of us prefer to stay in a comfortable, secure place, doing things we know rather than stretch ourselves to do things that challenge us. The more you push yourself to the edge of your comfort zone, the more it will expand each time you do. Challenge yourself, even if it’s not pleasant to start with, increase your flexibility and confidence a little more every day. What’s the worst that could happen?

Resisting change

Whether you love or hate change, the chances are at some point you will be exposed to it. Change is only bad if you believe it is bad. If you are not happy about whatever is happening in your life and if you avoid change, things will stay the same. To get different results, outcomes and feelings, we need to try something different. Work on developing your flexibility and positive outlook about change so you feel confident to approach it when it strikes.

Worrying about what others would say

People have their opinions about things and people, just like you have your opinion about others. Confident people don’t let the opinion of others define what they can or can’t do. They know that people don’t always agree on things, but that doesn’t make them wrong. Confident people listen to their intuition and trust themselves, rather than taking negative comments made by others too personally or trying to impress others. Concentrate on building quality relationships with people who support you, trust you and respect you and the opinions of those who don’t really matter to you will become less important. 

“Somehow I can’t believe that there are any heights that can’t be scaled by a man who knows the secrets of making dreams come true. This special secret, it seems to me, can be summarized in four C s. They are curiosity, confidence, courage, and constancy, and the greatest of all is confidence. When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable” Walt Disney

 

10 Tips on how to reduce fear

In my previous post I wrote about fear; what makes us fearful and how it can impact our life and future. If you missed it you can read it here. To help us deal with fear better, here’s a list of some things you can do to challenge and overcome your fear easier...

1. Acknowledge your fear

Start by acknowledging and accepting your fear. Think about any triggers that initiate your fear. What brings your fear out? What can you learn from it? Once you are aware of your fear, its’ triggers and effects then you can start working on diminishing your fears but you do need to know what to work on in the first place.

2. Change the way you think about your fear

We get what we focus on so if you tell yourself you are really nervous and petrified about delivering a presentation in 10 minutes…guess what, you will feel nervous and your body will respond to the feelings of nervousness too. If on the other hand you see your fear in a positive light and acknowledge the thrill your fear can offer then your body will respond with energy as opposed to discomfort. Rather than getting embarrassed about possibly getting red faced, or panicked when your heart beat is raised, you can choose to think that this is the way your body prepares you to deal with this situation. Our perception of a situation determines our thoughts and that in turn creates how we feel about a situation. As Mr. Wayne Dyer says “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”. Challenge the beliefs that limit you in overcoming your fear. Keep in mind that a limiting belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is idea that holds the mind. The good news is that you can re-programme your brain with different, positive thoughts but the trouble is, we often concentrate so intensely on the emotion itself that we become lost in the negative mindset that fear entails.

3. Step out of your comfort zone and confront your fear

Fear is not going to disappear on its own. Avoiding fears only makes them more scary. You need to do something to overcome it. As much as it will feel uncomfortable and scary to do something you are fearful of, especially at the beginning, you need to push yourself, build and exercise that “new muscle” that will help you confront your fear. Each time you embrace your fears, it will make it easier to cope with them the next time they strike. Take action in direct opposition to your fear, expose yourself to fear repeatedly and do the things you think you cannot do as taking risks will help you diminish your fears. Start with small actions and grow your confidence and resistance to fear as you go along.

4. Push yourself

Why would we step out of our comfort zone, make ourselves scared and uncomfortable if we have a choice not to? It's against human nature, right? If however, we were pushed into doing something that makes us feel fearful because we have no or little choice we would be more likely to do it. Think of your job. If your boss asked you to give a presentation to a large group of people (and you are petrified of public speaking) but your job depended on it, you most probably would push yourself to do it. That external resource is sometimes necessary to make us do things we are scared of. If you don't feel strong enough to push yourself as you feel you don't have enough resources, then look for encouragement and motivation from others. Build your accountability to your friend, family member, or work with a coach. Sometimes that extra push is needed to get you going.

5. Respond with your rational mind rather than feelings

In fearful situations we often talk ourselves into feeling more scared, responding to these situations by using emotional thinking rather than using logical thinking based on facts and truths. Logical thinking often helps us remain calm, sensible and reasonable, while responding with emotions and feelings to what we believe and perceive as truth, often makes us feel irrational, nervous and paranoid. It is natural to react emotionally to certain situations, it is the sign of a healthy mind, however being able to choose how you respond to situations will help you receive the outcome you wish to achieve.

6. Stay in the Now

Most of us live either in the past or in the future. We don’t really realise it until we start thinking about it. We often regret things we have done or things we haven’t done and we get wound up and worried about things that may happen, things that haven’t even taken place yet. It is good to reflect on the past and think about future if it is going to help us in overcoming our fears, for example: using strategies that helped us in the past or thinking about how we can overcome our fear and what could help us in the future rather than dwelling on the negative emotions that fear brought us and will bring us.

7. Share your fears

Having someone onto whom you can offload your feelings, emotions and pressures can be very helpful. By doing so, you could take some weight off your shoulders and feel lighter but also talking things through with someone can help you in coming up with more options and ideas on how to overcome your fears. Also, saying things out loud make them more real and therefore encourage stronger commitment to making positive changes.
I think the story below reflects this nicely:
“A man was trying very hard to lift a large rock.
His friend approached and asked him, “Are you using all of your strength?”
“Yes, I’m trying my hardest,” the man said.
“Are you sure?” the friend pressed him.
“Of course I’m using all of my strength!” the man replied impatiently.
“No, you’re not,” said the friend. “I’m standing right here and you haven’t asked me for help.” “

8. Find techniques and strategies that work for you

In situations when you are faced by fear it is important to have coping strategies that help you overcome and ease off your fears. Different things work for different people, but one simple technique that can really calm you down and helps to adjust your state within seconds is deep, slow breathing. In order to adjust your hormones you can also do 2 minutes of power posing before going into a stressful, evaluative situation. You can find out more about this from my previous blog. Preparation, goal setting, visualisation, affirmations, distraction, NLP techniques and adjusting your body language and smiling are also very effective.

9. What's the worst that could happen?

Putting things into perspective will often help you realise that things are not as scary as they seem to be. Focusing on the outcome you want to get and thinking about benefits of overcoming your fears can also help you deal with your fears better.

10. Praise yourself

When you have taken steps, however small they might be, towards overcoming your fears, give yourself a pat on the back for being brave and remember that by challenging your fears you are making progress towards positive changes in your life.
What are your tips? What helps you overcome your fears?
We all struggle with different fears, faulty mindsets and limiting beliefs, after all we are all human. The key is to build our awareness and recognise what it is that we need to change and work on to help us overcome our fears and not to allow our fears get the better of us.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear exposed

Fear is known to us all. Throughout our lives, all of us have encountered or have been faced with fear, be it fear of the unknown, fear of failure or loss, fear of public speaking, or letting others down, fear of embarrassment or criticism, fear of spiders to name a few.

So what actually is fear?

Fear is a feeling, not a fact. It is as basic a human process as breathing or digestion. It is created by our imagination, our thoughts; it’s all in your mind. What you create on the inside becomes externalised.

Just imagine this scenario... You walk down a long, narrow alleyway. Beautiful, big trees stretch on both sides of the road. The sun is shining, it’s a beautiful morning. You are listening to some uplifting music and you are just enjoying the moment.

Now, let’s change the scenario slightly... You are walking home that evening from your friend’s house. You spent the evening together watching scary movies. You are walking along the same alleyway you had walked in the morning but this time it’s dark. Every time you pass next to a big tree, the tree’s shadow “follows” you. You start thinking to yourself... Is someone following me? You take your headphones off and suddenly you hear a noise but you can’t see anyone. You start walking faster ... What direction will your imagination lead you now? What are you likely to be thinking to yourself? Are your False Expectations Appearing Real?

Fear is the response to what our brain perceives as risk, threat or danger, whether it’s real or imagined. The response can be on a physiological level i.e. raising the heartbeat, sweating, funny tummy as well as psychological, like talking yourself into feeling more fearful. We learn to become fearful through life experiences, and even seeing others being fearful can also create fear in us.

How we react to fear can really impact our life and our future. Fear can steal joy and really limit our actions and hold us back from enjoying our lives and feeling good. It can interfere with our ability to thrive and by being fearful we may end up missing out on a lot of the opportunities that life has to offer. It’s the response to fear that will determine your outcome, whether you Forget Everything And Run, or Face Everything And Rise... Some people get paralysed by fear while others strive and get motivated by fear. So why is that? What makes people react to fear so differently?

It can be a lot of different factors i.e. personality type and preferences, upbringing, our values and beliefs, experience, perseverance, approach and resistance to fear to name a few...

Fear however, is a personal experience. We all have different fears and levels at which fear affects us. One person might be petrified of something that another person is totally fine with. Let me share with you my fear…

When I was a little girl there was a very popular serial drama on TV called “Twin Peaks” created by David Lynch. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it was a very dark, twisted, surreal, supernatural, psychological show. It had a huge negative impact on me as I was petrified to watch it but at the same time I was determined to watch it because “everyone” did. Even the theme music from the show gives me shivers to this day… I know some people who loved the show and got exhilarated every time it was on. For me though, I associate “Twin Peaks” with fear…

We all have our own fears that affect us, some more than others. Feeling fearful is a part of our life and therefore denying it is not going to solve the problem. There are things you can do to reduce your fears and learn to live with them comfortably, and this is what I will share with you in my next blog post…

What determines success?

Recently I attended the National Achievers Congress which took place in London between 2-4th July 2011. The event was very motivating, thought provoking and left me wondering what it is that makes some people more successful than others? The event welcomed 15 speakers including Tony Robbins, Lord Alan Sugar, and Sir Richard Branson, to name a few…

Each speaker shared their story and nuggets of wisdom and although many were from different countries and cultures, different backgrounds and had different aspirations, I have come to realise that there are a few things that all of these speakers have in common.

VISION

Everything starts with a dream, vision or a goal.

Knowing exactly your goal not only keeps one focused on the end result but also helps to keep one motivated. If you do not know where you are going, how will you know when you get there? The more detailed and clear goal one has, the easier it will be to achieve it. Once you know your goal, you can start working on it.

DETERMINATION

As powerful and successful as those speakers are and appear now, many of them have been at rock bottom at some point. Whether homeless, with no money or with a lack of formal education, they have managed to find a way out of that negative situation. Those daunting circumstances made them even more determined to improve their life and did not discourage them from dreaming big and achieving even bigger.

The words of George Bernard Shaw sum up very well one of the attributes of successful people. “People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them”

CONFIDENCE

Successful people beam with confidence. You can see it in the way they walk, talk and look at you. They come across comfortable when speaking in front of thousands of people and doing things that seem impossible for a “normal human being”.

People often have the preconception that successful people have been always like this. In reality, this perception is far from the truth. Not everyone was born with a bundle of confidence or as a natural public speaker. A lot of the time successful people have had to learn confident body language, and master their tone of voice and eye contact. The approach of “fake it till you make it” is applied more often than many may think. However, successful people always believe in themselves, their abilities and their success. If you do not believe in yourself, you can not expect other people to believe you.

TAKING ACTION  

In order to achieve any task, one needs to take action. Be proactive, do not wait until everything is just right as you could miss out on a great opportunity. Assess what is the worst that can happen, trust your guts, be brave and take the plunge. If something goes wrong, at least you have tried and you will learn from your mistakes. Next time it can only be better.

NOT GIVING UP WHEN THINGS GO WRONG

Most successful people will have tasted failure at least once before they accomplish their success. The secret of their success is picking themselves up when things go wrong and trying again. Don’t be discouraged by obstacles along your way, consider what you have learnt, be flexible, be open to take different approaches and do not concentrate on negatives. Instead think of your shortfalls in positive terms, learn from them and have the courage and resilience to continue. As Thomas Edison once said, a lot of people do not realise how close they were to success when they give up.

The National Achievers Congress made me think a lot about people, human behaviour, peoples’ expectations and aspirations.

It is not about being successful or rich; it is about achieving what success means to you. Whether it is feeling more confident, getting on with your family, getting a new job… Whatever circumstance or part of your life you want to improve, bearing these pearls of wisdom in mind will be beneficial in achieving your own success.

If you are lost, stuck in a rut or you are not sure where to start and how to make that vision reality, a life coach can help you work with you on making your goal your reality.