5 steps to take control over your limiting beliefs

Unhelpful beliefs are very powerful and not only can stop us from using our potential and achieving our goals, shape our decisions, but also can make us feel powerless and can be devastating to our confidence, self-esteem and state of mind.  There is no one magic formula of what to do to beat your limiting beliefs as different solutions will work for different people but there are some steps you could take to start taking control over them. Here are 5 steps that I and my clients often follow:

Recognise it

Building awareness of what your limiting beliefs are and when they creep up is a starting point. You can’t change something you are not aware of. Once you bring to the front of your mind what reoccurring thoughts are having negative impact on you, you will most likely start catching yourself subconsciously the moment those beliefs appear. When you do, try to make a record of how often during the day you talk yourself down.

Strip it down

Limiting beliefs all stem from fear and are simply a mechanism to try and protect us. Even though they can be unhelpful, they often serve us a higher purpose. Although we might want to let go of them, there might be a reason (often we are not aware of) that makes us hold onto them.  Sometimes we hold onto them because we believe they protect us from disappointment, criticism, hurt or failure.  Wanting to let go of the limiting beliefs and at the same time holding on to them can cause ambivalence, discomfort, an internal conflict and frustration therefore it is useful to build understanding and establishing what is the reason behind it. Take a moment and ask yourself:

What is the purpose of that belief?

What does this belief give you?

What impact letting go of this belief would have on you/ your life?

Letting go of beliefs that have been with us for a long time, especially those deep rooted beliefs formed in childhood is not easy and can take a lot of time.  You can however learn how to manage them and use strategies to prevent them from holding you hostage.

What is the trigger?

So you’ve established what and why, now let’s look at when...

What is the trigger that makes your unhelpful belief pop up? Is it a thought, a person, an action, a place or something else that activates your belief? When does it usually happen? Is there a pattern or a cycle you fall into? What would be the first step you can take to change it? 

Look for evidence

How old is your belief?

What is the evidence it is true?

What is the evidence it is NOT true?

Often, when we strongly believe something, we tend to look for things that confirm we are right rather than looking for things that prove us wrong. If you have been sabotaging yourself or established a habit of looking for things that prove you right, then I encourage you to think twice as hard about as many situations and evidence that prove that you may be mistaken.

Reframe it

Once you find evidence that have shaken up your old beliefs, create new positive beliefs in place of your old unhelpful ones. If your belief is “I am not good enough to ... (for example) get this job” you may change it with “I have a lot of skills and strengths  I can offer” or “The more I learn / prepare / believe in myself, the more chance I have got to get this job” or “other people can do it, so can I”.  Choose a new, personal statement that works for you. Repeat it as much as you can. If you are a frequent “talking myself down” person, then it is likely it may feel unnatural and fake to suddenly change your talk and habits (even if backed up by evidence) but in order to get results, you have to put some work in. It’s all good to have a positive statement but if you don’t do anything with it, then don’t expect great results.

It is totally natural to have believes that limit us and work against us but no belief has any meaning until we give it a meaning so be mindful of not falling into the trap of creating beliefs that hinder your potential.

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Share your thoughts or your tips for taking control over unhelpful beliefs. Also, feel free to share this blog with others who might find it beneficial. 

10 tips on how to bounce back from rejection

 

We wouldn’t be human if we were not affected in one way or the other by our setbacks. Being able to adapt to challenges, cope with adversity and recover from difficulties is a skill many of us wish to have. Here are some tips to help you build your RESILIENCE. 

 

R Reflect on your performance objectively. What worked? What went wrong? What needs improving? If you could do it again, what would you do differently? Setbacks can feel personal so staying objective and looking at things from the observer’s perspective can help you see things rationally and logically, without getting emotional.

E End goal Keep your eyes on the prize and keep going. Don’t lose sight of your goal and what matters to you because if it really matters, you will find the strength and motivation to achieve it. Most highly successful people failed on numerous occasions before they accomplished their goals. What often determines their success is the refusal to give up when they face obstacles; instead they find a way to overcome them. Knowing what it is you aspire to achieve and wanting it with every part of your body will help you carry on when things get tough.

S Strengths When things are not going our way, it is easy to concentrate on negatives and our weaknesses. In those moments arises the perfect opportunity to remind yourself about your strengths and triumphs and acknowledge your progress, however small it may be. Draw on your strong points, be kind to yourself, challenge your negative thinking and remember that if you have been resourceful before, you have it in you to be resourceful again.

I Internal dialog What do you say to yourself when you don’t succeed or get rejected? Is your language positive and encouraging or negative, unhelpful and demotivating? Language and the words you use really matter as they impact how you feel and how you behave so pay attention to your language and chose your words wisely.

L Learning What did you learn from the experience that you can use in the future? How can you use this knowledge to your advantage? Life throws lessons at us every day and sometimes the more we know, the more we realise how little we know which can be overwhelming. Learning never ends...just remember “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.

I Interrupt the negative cycle Stress and worry are caused by how we perceive a situation, not the situation itself. The choice of how you respond to a situation will determine your outcome. Let’s say, you don’t get the job you interviewed for. If you respond by thinking you failed, you are not good enough, the way you will feel will be negative and hinder your confidence. If however you decide to respond more rationally by saying for example that although you were not successful, having an interview was good practice so I will be better prepared in the future or that there might have been other candidates who were more experienced etc, the way you feel about the situation will not be as negative as in the first scenario. In order to get out of the negative cycle, something needs to change, the cycle needs to be broken. Build awareness of your beliefs about a situation, because they will determine your action and results.

E Expectations Are your expectations realistic? What are the gaps (in your knowledge, experience etc.) you need to address? What / who is preventing you from achieving your goal? If your expectations are realistic, you are more likely to achieve your goals therefore have more confidence and motivation to take action.

N Network of people Think about the people around you. Who are your drainers and who are your fillers? Who do you need to see less? Who in your circle of acquaintances do you respect and would like to learn from? Surround yourself with people who support you and have positive impact on you, rather than those who drain your energy. Having someone who you can bounce ideas off and someone you can talk to can really help when you feel down.

C Count your blessings and practice gratitude. No matter how bad your situation is, there is always someone out there who is in a much worse situation than you are. Always! Look at it this way; there are people out there who wish they had your problems and your bad days. Rather than concentrating on how unlucky and unfortunate you are, take time to remind yourself how lucky you really are.

E Evaluate Thinking about all the above tips, as well your own ideas, ask yourself: If you were going to do one thing that would help you feel better about your situation, what would it be? What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

I would like to leave you with this final thought by the great Ralph Waldo Emerson “Don’t be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams”.

Why to-do lists don't work

We all have our own methods and tools that help us to stay focused, motivated and productive. One of those might be a “to-do list”. There are a lot of benefits of having a list of things to remind you what you need to do, helping you prioritise your tasks and give you a sense of achievement when you tick off achieved tasks.

Recently I came across a few interesting articles and some research that indicates that to-do lists can be overwhelming, ineffective and can leave you feeling demotivated and pressurised.

Emotions play an essential role in how we think and solve problems. They impact our motivation and productivity, therefore if those emotions are negative, they will narrow our thinking, creativity, memory and efficiency. Positive feelings on the other hand will increase our intrinsic motivation, whilst improving cognitive flexibility and analytical skills.

According to data collected by a company called iDoneThis, 41% of to-do list items never get done and only 15% of completed tasks were ever on a to-do list in the first place, so therefore there will always be unfinished tasks on your list. Furthermore, because there are often incomplete items on your list, it can be seen as a nagging tool provoking anxiety, feelings of failure and worry that you have not accomplished what you set yourself to do.

Software pioneer, Marc Andreessen suggests the substitution of a to-do list with what he calls an anti to-do list, or if you will a ‘Done List’. Rather than having a list of things to do, replace it with a record of your daily accomplishments instead. Recording your wins and achievements will create a rush of endorphins, increase your energy levels, motivation and give you a sense of satisfaction from completed tasks.

You may think that there is no point writing a list of things that you have already completed, but as research testifies, spending few minutes reflecting on your day and writing down your accomplishments will make you appreciate progress that would have otherwise gone unrecognized and will improve your ability to plan going forward. Making progress (even small wins) will also fuel your drive and engagement, boosting your energy and motivation, leaving you more productive. Additional study from Harvard Business School also suggests that setting aside 15 minutes of reflection at the end of each working day can make you better at your job and lead to better performance due to a boost in self-efficacy. Writing things down identifies what was helpful as well as providing a visual stimulus that will create positive feelings.

Everyone is different and some people probably will not be able to work without a to-do list, whereas for others, a list may not work. Whether you decide to use a to-do list or not, I think there is a real benefit in taking time to think about your day and celebrate your achievements. Just make an appointment with yourself, or if you'd rather put it on your list of things to do... :)

The importance of resilience.

I’ve always admired those who are resilient, who can adapt and bounce back when things are not going their way.

People like Thomas Edison, James Dyson, Richard Branson and JK Rowling who we admire today, achieved great success because of their resilience and refusal to give up.

It is an inevitable part of our lives that we will make mistakes, are going to fail from time to time and the only way to avoid it seems to be living a very safe life, never trying to do anything new or take risks…but how many of us want to live this way?

Some people find it easier than others to recover from setbacks. According to psychologist Susan Kobasa, there are 3 essentials attitudes that support resilience:

Commitment - Resilient people know what they want and they are committed to their goals and aspirations, things and people that are important to them. They don’t get discouraged when things are not going according to their plan, instead, they concentrate on a positive image of the future.

Control - Resilient people focus on things that they have control over. They concentrate on present and future rather than focusing on their past (unless they use past experiences as a learning lesson for their future). People who dwell on past events which they can’t change and control, often think of themselves as victims, feel helpless and lost, and unable to get out of this unhelpful cycle.

Challenge – Resilient people see opportunities for growth and learning from their mistakes. They embrace change and see obstacles and failures as temporary setbacks and milestones that help them move forward rather than stopping them from achieving their goal.

Another characteristic that resilient people have in common is a positive outlook on their lives. Staying positive when things are working against you can be difficult, but staying optimistic about the future and finding positives even in the worst of circumstances is a very important part of resilience. Concentrating on negatives will not only not help you to move forward, but can also crush your confidence and belief in your abilities.

There are many things that you can do to work on building your resilience and some of them are:

Know what is that you want – Being clear on what you want to achieve will help you focus your attention on what matters to you. This will build your commitment to the task and your motivation to achieve your goal. The higher the motivation, the more determined you will be to achieve it so when you meet obstacles in your way, it will be easier to overcome them. Being flexible and able to adapt to change and unexpected situations is also an essential part of resilience.

Always improve your skills – Resilience is a skill that can be learnt. The more you get exposed to events and setbacks you need to overcome, the more chances you have to practice your resilience. Focus on improving skills that most resilient people have. Put yourself out of your comfort zone, learn from your mistakes, combat the challenges you face.

Build awareness of your language – The way we speak to ourselves has a huge impact on how we feel and how we behave. Negative thoughts and language can drain our energy and stifle our self belief and confidence, derailing us from progress therefore it is crucial to replace the negative monolog with positive self talk and thoughts. Confidence and self esteem have impact on the level of stress and your capability to recover from challenging events therefore remind yourself of your achievements, strengths and abilities, and build the courage to take the risks you need to move forward.

Look after yourself – Good health and wellbeing are fundamental to our mental and emotional resilience therefore integrating healthy diet, good quality sleep and exercise into your life will help you in coping with stress and will make you feel good.

Surround yourself with positive, encouraging, resistant to stress people – Having someone you can rely on, confide in and get support from in a difficult situation is very important. Sharing your concerns and having someone who can help you come up with solutions and bounce ideas off can be very encouraging.

Your response will determine your outcome –Each of us are faced with different choices on a daily basis. Two people can respond to the same situation very differently and it is the response that will determine whether the outcome is positive or negative. Resilient people tend to look for positives in every situation; they remain calm and collected under pressure so adopting this behaviour will help to build your own resilience.

Develop the curiosity and courage to go for what matters to you. Everyone at some point falls down, but those who win always stand up again!

What determines success?

Recently I attended the National Achievers Congress which took place in London between 2-4th July 2011. The event was very motivating, thought provoking and left me wondering what it is that makes some people more successful than others? The event welcomed 15 speakers including Tony Robbins, Lord Alan Sugar, and Sir Richard Branson, to name a few…

Each speaker shared their story and nuggets of wisdom and although many were from different countries and cultures, different backgrounds and had different aspirations, I have come to realise that there are a few things that all of these speakers have in common.

VISION

Everything starts with a dream, vision or a goal.

Knowing exactly your goal not only keeps one focused on the end result but also helps to keep one motivated. If you do not know where you are going, how will you know when you get there? The more detailed and clear goal one has, the easier it will be to achieve it. Once you know your goal, you can start working on it.

DETERMINATION

As powerful and successful as those speakers are and appear now, many of them have been at rock bottom at some point. Whether homeless, with no money or with a lack of formal education, they have managed to find a way out of that negative situation. Those daunting circumstances made them even more determined to improve their life and did not discourage them from dreaming big and achieving even bigger.

The words of George Bernard Shaw sum up very well one of the attributes of successful people. “People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them”

CONFIDENCE

Successful people beam with confidence. You can see it in the way they walk, talk and look at you. They come across comfortable when speaking in front of thousands of people and doing things that seem impossible for a “normal human being”.

People often have the preconception that successful people have been always like this. In reality, this perception is far from the truth. Not everyone was born with a bundle of confidence or as a natural public speaker. A lot of the time successful people have had to learn confident body language, and master their tone of voice and eye contact. The approach of “fake it till you make it” is applied more often than many may think. However, successful people always believe in themselves, their abilities and their success. If you do not believe in yourself, you can not expect other people to believe you.

TAKING ACTION  

In order to achieve any task, one needs to take action. Be proactive, do not wait until everything is just right as you could miss out on a great opportunity. Assess what is the worst that can happen, trust your guts, be brave and take the plunge. If something goes wrong, at least you have tried and you will learn from your mistakes. Next time it can only be better.

NOT GIVING UP WHEN THINGS GO WRONG

Most successful people will have tasted failure at least once before they accomplish their success. The secret of their success is picking themselves up when things go wrong and trying again. Don’t be discouraged by obstacles along your way, consider what you have learnt, be flexible, be open to take different approaches and do not concentrate on negatives. Instead think of your shortfalls in positive terms, learn from them and have the courage and resilience to continue. As Thomas Edison once said, a lot of people do not realise how close they were to success when they give up.

The National Achievers Congress made me think a lot about people, human behaviour, peoples’ expectations and aspirations.

It is not about being successful or rich; it is about achieving what success means to you. Whether it is feeling more confident, getting on with your family, getting a new job… Whatever circumstance or part of your life you want to improve, bearing these pearls of wisdom in mind will be beneficial in achieving your own success.

If you are lost, stuck in a rut or you are not sure where to start and how to make that vision reality, a life coach can help you work with you on making your goal your reality.