10 tips on how to bounce back from rejection

 

We wouldn’t be human if we were not affected in one way or the other by our setbacks. Being able to adapt to challenges, cope with adversity and recover from difficulties is a skill many of us wish to have. Here are some tips to help you build your RESILIENCE. 

 

R Reflect on your performance objectively. What worked? What went wrong? What needs improving? If you could do it again, what would you do differently? Setbacks can feel personal so staying objective and looking at things from the observer’s perspective can help you see things rationally and logically, without getting emotional.

E End goal Keep your eyes on the prize and keep going. Don’t lose sight of your goal and what matters to you because if it really matters, you will find the strength and motivation to achieve it. Most highly successful people failed on numerous occasions before they accomplished their goals. What often determines their success is the refusal to give up when they face obstacles; instead they find a way to overcome them. Knowing what it is you aspire to achieve and wanting it with every part of your body will help you carry on when things get tough.

S Strengths When things are not going our way, it is easy to concentrate on negatives and our weaknesses. In those moments arises the perfect opportunity to remind yourself about your strengths and triumphs and acknowledge your progress, however small it may be. Draw on your strong points, be kind to yourself, challenge your negative thinking and remember that if you have been resourceful before, you have it in you to be resourceful again.

I Internal dialog What do you say to yourself when you don’t succeed or get rejected? Is your language positive and encouraging or negative, unhelpful and demotivating? Language and the words you use really matter as they impact how you feel and how you behave so pay attention to your language and chose your words wisely.

L Learning What did you learn from the experience that you can use in the future? How can you use this knowledge to your advantage? Life throws lessons at us every day and sometimes the more we know, the more we realise how little we know which can be overwhelming. Learning never ends...just remember “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.

I Interrupt the negative cycle Stress and worry are caused by how we perceive a situation, not the situation itself. The choice of how you respond to a situation will determine your outcome. Let’s say, you don’t get the job you interviewed for. If you respond by thinking you failed, you are not good enough, the way you will feel will be negative and hinder your confidence. If however you decide to respond more rationally by saying for example that although you were not successful, having an interview was good practice so I will be better prepared in the future or that there might have been other candidates who were more experienced etc, the way you feel about the situation will not be as negative as in the first scenario. In order to get out of the negative cycle, something needs to change, the cycle needs to be broken. Build awareness of your beliefs about a situation, because they will determine your action and results.

E Expectations Are your expectations realistic? What are the gaps (in your knowledge, experience etc.) you need to address? What / who is preventing you from achieving your goal? If your expectations are realistic, you are more likely to achieve your goals therefore have more confidence and motivation to take action.

N Network of people Think about the people around you. Who are your drainers and who are your fillers? Who do you need to see less? Who in your circle of acquaintances do you respect and would like to learn from? Surround yourself with people who support you and have positive impact on you, rather than those who drain your energy. Having someone who you can bounce ideas off and someone you can talk to can really help when you feel down.

C Count your blessings and practice gratitude. No matter how bad your situation is, there is always someone out there who is in a much worse situation than you are. Always! Look at it this way; there are people out there who wish they had your problems and your bad days. Rather than concentrating on how unlucky and unfortunate you are, take time to remind yourself how lucky you really are.

E Evaluate Thinking about all the above tips, as well your own ideas, ask yourself: If you were going to do one thing that would help you feel better about your situation, what would it be? What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

I would like to leave you with this final thought by the great Ralph Waldo Emerson “Don’t be pushed by your problems. Be led by your dreams”.

“Prioritise your priorities”

 

You know how it works... at this time of the year people make half-hearted New Year resolutions through some sense of tradition and thinking that it is “the done thing”, without fully committing to making the necessary steps to achieve their goals. Therefore most people allow these goals to quickly fall by the wayside.

Goal setting shouldn’t be restricted to your January to-do list, but instead should be on your agenda throughout the year. It doesn’t have to be about one big fresh start, but it can be about attainable goals and taking small steps to help you actually achieve what really matters to you.

With too many things on our mind, it is often hard to know what to focus on and it is easy to lose sight of what is important to us. You cannot hit a target you cannot see, so to help you figure out your goals and priorities you might want to ask yourself the questions below. Before you do though... grab yourself a pen and paper, sit in a quiet corner with no distractions and off we go!

1) Think about your life. What things matter to you right now that you would like to change?

Write them down and put them in order of priority. Tackle each one at a time.

2) What actions do you need to take to draw you closer to your goal?

Be realistic and specific with order, dates, time of completion etc.

3) Which action will have the most impact or contribute to your success the most?

4) Write down: “The consequences of me not taking this action are..."

5) What obstacles are in your way and how can you overcome them?

Now that you thought about your goals and priorities all that is left to do is to take action. Action speaks louder than words. Before you know it with a little bit of commitment and determination, taking small steps will lead to a bigger goal and the change you want.

 

A change is gonna come...

As I am writing this short blog l can’t help myself but experience a mixture of feelings and emotions like excitement and happiness as well as anxiety and fear at the same time as I am waiting for an inevitable and huge change to happen.

Any day now, I am about to have my second baby. Don’t get me wrong, I am very excited and part of me can’t wait, while the other part of me is trying to hang on to the last moments of some sort of independence , sleep, me time... The thought of another little person joining our little family is beautiful and thrilling and hugely rewarding but the thought of having another person dependant and relying on you for the rest of your life can be quite scary at the same time.

I had a conversation this morning with my husband about it. What he pointed out was that before my first son was born, I had total independence to do what I wanted to do and I wasn’t afraid to lose it. The change was somehow different: more unknown and the build up to it was more (dare I say) exciting. Somehow, this time maybe I appreciate the little independence I have more than ever and that's why I try to cling on to it as much as I can?

The benefits of this change far outweigh the worries I am having and I am very lucky to be going through this amazing experience but I am only human and sometimes when worry creeps in, I prefer to accept it rather than fight it. I wonder though, is it the change that makes me feel that way or knowing or maybe actually not knowing what's around the corner? It is quite fascinating to think that most people fear the unknown which I feared less and was excited about, and now knowing what's coming makes me more anxious... We all react to change differently. For some stepping out of their comfort zone and the unknown fills them with adrenaline and excitement, others get stiff with fear when they have to change their ways so there is no one solution that fits all when it comes to embracing change.

I personally think change is good and necessary. I've proven it to myself over and over again. Someone once said “if nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies”. I think it is just a matter of perspective. Change can be beautiful, we just need to look for that beauty. It is easy to talk ourselves out of change, allow the change to scare us. At the same time, looking for the positives and advantages of change will only help to get excited about it. As Wayne Dyer used to say, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”. We will always gain or lose something. There is always some form of sacrifice we need to take in whatever we do.

Thoughts create our reality. I think it is safe to say that we all have moments of weakness, and that's ok; but then it is our choice only whether we will allow the fear and worry take over or if we embrace the unknown. I know what I choose: I choose to enjoy and cherish the beautiful change about to happen in my life.

10 confidence killers and how to avoid them.

 

Some people are blessed with natural confidence, but the rest of us sometimes need to work on it. Below are 10 possible confidence pitfalls to recognise and avoid.

Negativity around you

 What I mean by that is things we are exposed to, things we read, watch, people we hang out with.  Unless you are very resilient, staying positive and confident around negativity can prove a challenge in itself. If you restrict seeing people in your life that make you feel negative, that doesn’t mean that you don’t like them. It just means that you respect yourself.

Language you use

There is tons of evidence that language can impact how we feel and behave. If you feed your mind with negative language, don’t expect to feel positive, motivated and confident. Build your awareness of what language you feed your mind with. Is your language generally empowering and positive, or weak and disempowering? Do you say to yourself “I am not good enough”, “I don’t deserve it” or alternatively “I know I can do it” and “I feel good about myself”.  Once you are aware of your narrative, you can work on improving it and increase your confidence.

Body language

You can tell a lot from looking at someone’s body language. You don’t have to be an expert in body language to tell just by observing someone’s body posture, eye contact or lack of, and handshake whether they are self conscious or confident. Similar to language, body language has a huge impact on how we feel and act. If you want to feel more confident, change your posture to reflect confidence. Take your eyes off the floor, smile, breathe deeply, have upright posture with shoulders back. Making these small changes can make a huge difference to your confidence as well as how others perceive you. 

Worrying about things you have no control over

It’s normal to worry sometimes. Unfortunately most people worry about the past and future and things you have no way of controlling. I even know people who worry about worrying. You are not going to feel good and confident if you worry, especially about things you have no control over. You have no control over your past and future (to some extent) but you are the only one who can control your emotions and how you react to a situation. Your attitude determines your aptitude!

Not treating mistakes and failures as learning

Going back to the previous point, how you react to a situation will determine your results. Let’s say you’ve just received a phone call saying that you didn’t get the job you had interviewed for. You have two choices. You either can react by saying: “I am such a failure”, “I am just not good enough”, “I am never going to get this job” etc. Or by saying: “Never mind, at least I had a chance to practice my interview skills”, “Next time I will be better prepared”. Failure is an on going process and if we are growing and taking risks, then failing isn’t abnormal. Your mistakes, but most importantly your attitude can either break you or make you stronger. The choice is yours alone!

Beliefs

Some people are more confident than others and one thing that distinguishes confident people from those who lack confidence are their beliefs about themselves and their capabilities. They take responsibility for their thoughts and don’t allow negative beliefs compromise their confidence. Those who lack confidence often react to their limiting beliefs with feelings and emotions rather than react rationally. They talk themselves into believing in whatever they choose, even when it’s harmful rather than helpful. As Henry Ford used to say “Whether you think you can, or you can’t – you are right” so pay attention to which beliefs are getting most of your energy.

Perfectionism

There is nothing wrong in striving for perfection. It only becomes a problem if you can’t move on or take action because you are bogged down with details and things that you think are not good enough. When do you stop listening to your inner critic? Where do you draw the line? If you don’t trust yourself to do something because of your perfectionism, then you are not going to feel confident. Confident people take action not because they think they are always right, but because they are not afraid of being wrong. Don’t let the fear of taking action prevent you from taking any action at all.

Always staying in your comfort zone

You can be amazing at what you do but even if you only do what you are amazing at you can lose your confidence in doing other things. Most of us prefer to stay in a comfortable, secure place, doing things we know rather than stretch ourselves to do things that challenge us. The more you push yourself to the edge of your comfort zone, the more it will expand each time you do. Challenge yourself, even if it’s not pleasant to start with, increase your flexibility and confidence a little more every day. What’s the worst that could happen?

Resisting change

Whether you love or hate change, the chances are at some point you will be exposed to it. Change is only bad if you believe it is bad. If you are not happy about whatever is happening in your life and if you avoid change, things will stay the same. To get different results, outcomes and feelings, we need to try something different. Work on developing your flexibility and positive outlook about change so you feel confident to approach it when it strikes.

Worrying about what others would say

People have their opinions about things and people, just like you have your opinion about others. Confident people don’t let the opinion of others define what they can or can’t do. They know that people don’t always agree on things, but that doesn’t make them wrong. Confident people listen to their intuition and trust themselves, rather than taking negative comments made by others too personally or trying to impress others. Concentrate on building quality relationships with people who support you, trust you and respect you and the opinions of those who don’t really matter to you will become less important. 

“Somehow I can’t believe that there are any heights that can’t be scaled by a man who knows the secrets of making dreams come true. This special secret, it seems to me, can be summarized in four C s. They are curiosity, confidence, courage, and constancy, and the greatest of all is confidence. When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable” Walt Disney

 

10 questions to ask yourself to increase motivation.

 

Questions are very powerful in helping to point us towards our purpose, maintaining focus and influencing motivation.

 

 

Everyone has some triggers that help them maintain their motivation. As we are all different, the same strategies and tips may not work for everyone. That’s why it is so important to ask yourself questions and figure out what works for you. 

 

 

What are my reasons for wanting to achieve my goal?

 

 

Taking a step back to think about what makes your goal important to you is a good place to start. It is important to remind yourself what matters to you. Our values are our motivators, so by exploring your values you will be able to tap into your motivation.

 

 

What steps do I need to take to move closer to my goal?

 

 

Big goals can be overwhelming and decrease your motivation. Breaking your goal into small, manageable steps can help you focus, but also will help you take small actions towards your objectives. Seeing progression and results can also greatly boost your motivation.

 

 

What would be the consequences of not being motivated to achieve my goal?

 

 

Some people are more motivated by consequences of not achieving something and the negative impact it may have on them rather that the benefits of achieving it. If you are one of those people, this question may resonate with you very much.

 

 

What stops or reduces my motivation?

 

 

Building awareness about what helps and hinders your motivation is crucial. If you are aware of what it is you need to change, you can take action to make those changes.

 

 

What obstacles or barriers may I face that will sabotage my motivation?

 

 

You know yourself better than anyone else. You know the thoughts you are having, limiting beliefs that may creep up every now and again and sabotage your motivation. Recognise those obstacles and deal with them one by one.

 

 

How can I overcome those obstacles?

 

 

What can you do to overcome the barriers and obstacles standing in the way of your motivation? Being aware of what may stop your motivation will help you determine what you can do to avoid it.

 

 

What habits can I create to increase my motivation?

 

 

It is much harder to break old bad habits and patterns of thinking than creating new positive habits. To give you an example, think of a big tree with strong and deep roots in the ground. That tree has been watered and conditioned for years. It will be impossible to pull the tree out without any additional support no matter how hard you try. It is much easier though to plant new seeds and give your new tree plenty of water, sunshine and nutrition to ensure it grows healthy and strong. At the same time, if you starve the old tree from sunlight and water, eventually your old tree will become weaker and its roots will dry out.

 

 

What tangible reminders do I need to see to stay motivated?

 

Having visual prompts, pictures, cues can really help in reminding you what it is what you want or don’t want. For example, sticking a picture on the fridge of yourself 1 stone heavier may help you stay motivated to keep weight off and continue your diet. When you are most likely to give in to your impulses and cravings tangible reminders can help to interrupt the impulse and keep you on track.

 

 

Who can support me?

 

 

Having a support network and being accountable to someone can increase your motivation. Being able to share your successes, ideas, concerns and talking things through can help you keep your enthusiasm and motivation up.

 

How will I reward myself?

 

Knowing that there is a reward or treat for your efforts can help you stay motivated.

 

 

Taking a relatively small amount of time to ask yourself and answer these simple questions could help you achieve your goals much more quickly and efficiently. You can head towards your objectives with your eyes open, ready to deal with any barriers that come along the way.

Why don't New Year's resolutions work?

Another year is upon us. Apparently about half of us make New Year’s resolutions each year. Some of us already joined the gym , others have started a diet or maybe some have given up smoking...

So why do so many of us wait until the beginning of the year to decide to do something about whatever we are unhappy with, be it our health, weight, well being, productivity... Is it the guilt of too much food eaten over Christmas, or maybe the pressure set by everyone else setting NY resolutions or maybe it’s an excuse to reinvent yourself with a fresh start to the year? Whatever it is... I am sorry but I may disappoint you when I tell you that according to research, more than half of you will fail your New Year’s resolutions by Valentine’s Day.

So let’s take a closer look at why it is that New Year's resolutions don’t work.

Is your goal too big?

The excitement of the new year, fresh start, new beginning, you name it, may make us often set over ambitious and unrealistic goals. We want to make so many changes, want to quit smoking, find a partner, or we want to loose weight, so we buy a running kit, gym membership and set an ambitious target of going to the gym every day or at least 5 times a week etc. Then life gets in the way and our plans and resolutions may start to crumble, so don’t only rely on your will power. Instead, break down your goals into realistic and manageable pieces. You wouldn’t eat an elephant in one piece, would you? To loose weight start taking the stairs, walk instead of driving when you can, cut down on biscuits or chocolate. Sometimes smaller steps may lead to big change faster than you think. By all means, do your exercise 5 times a week, but if you fail, don’t give up and wait until next January to set yourself new goals. Just continue with small actions, make progress towards your goals, as then you are much more likely to succeed.

Is your goal truly and deeply important to you?

Sometimes we may fall into a trap of setting goals that are not truly ours as we get influenced by other people’s goals. What are your reasons for getting fitter? What makes it so important for you to loose weight? What are the benefits of finding a new job?

The moment you understand the importance and your own reasons for change, the more committed you become to achieving your goal. So take time to think and reflect on what really matters to you, as the time you invest in this self reflection will pay back with the motivation to achieve what matters to you most.

Do not think about a big yellow gorilla!

I asked you, DO NOT think about a big yellow gorilla and what did you do? Even if you have a very strong mental control, most likely an image of a big yellow gorilla popped into your head. Why? Because our subconscious doesn’t differentiate “do” and “don’t”. It concentrates on the object (in this case a big yellow gorilla) making it hard to resist not thinking and imagining the object in question.

So what does this have to do with New Years’ resolutions?

We often concentrate on things we don’t want rather than on things we do want. By trying to resist thinking about things we want to avoid, be it chocolate, alcohol, cigarettes, we actually attract the thoughts of things we want to get rid of in the first place.

Solution?

If you have a habit or behaviour you would like to change, make your goals, resolutions affirmative and positive. Instead of “I don’t want to be single” wish for “I want to be in a happy relationship” or “I won’t drink alcohol on weekdays” aim for “My weekly diet consist of healthy food and drink”. Remember we get what we focus on!

So if you want to do or change something, don’t wait until New Year. There is never too late or too early to set yourself goals.

10 Tips on how to reduce fear

In my previous post I wrote about fear; what makes us fearful and how it can impact our life and future. If you missed it you can read it here. To help us deal with fear better, here’s a list of some things you can do to challenge and overcome your fear easier...

1. Acknowledge your fear

Start by acknowledging and accepting your fear. Think about any triggers that initiate your fear. What brings your fear out? What can you learn from it? Once you are aware of your fear, its’ triggers and effects then you can start working on diminishing your fears but you do need to know what to work on in the first place.

2. Change the way you think about your fear

We get what we focus on so if you tell yourself you are really nervous and petrified about delivering a presentation in 10 minutes…guess what, you will feel nervous and your body will respond to the feelings of nervousness too. If on the other hand you see your fear in a positive light and acknowledge the thrill your fear can offer then your body will respond with energy as opposed to discomfort. Rather than getting embarrassed about possibly getting red faced, or panicked when your heart beat is raised, you can choose to think that this is the way your body prepares you to deal with this situation. Our perception of a situation determines our thoughts and that in turn creates how we feel about a situation. As Mr. Wayne Dyer says “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”. Challenge the beliefs that limit you in overcoming your fear. Keep in mind that a limiting belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is idea that holds the mind. The good news is that you can re-programme your brain with different, positive thoughts but the trouble is, we often concentrate so intensely on the emotion itself that we become lost in the negative mindset that fear entails.

3. Step out of your comfort zone and confront your fear

Fear is not going to disappear on its own. Avoiding fears only makes them more scary. You need to do something to overcome it. As much as it will feel uncomfortable and scary to do something you are fearful of, especially at the beginning, you need to push yourself, build and exercise that “new muscle” that will help you confront your fear. Each time you embrace your fears, it will make it easier to cope with them the next time they strike. Take action in direct opposition to your fear, expose yourself to fear repeatedly and do the things you think you cannot do as taking risks will help you diminish your fears. Start with small actions and grow your confidence and resistance to fear as you go along.

4. Push yourself

Why would we step out of our comfort zone, make ourselves scared and uncomfortable if we have a choice not to? It's against human nature, right? If however, we were pushed into doing something that makes us feel fearful because we have no or little choice we would be more likely to do it. Think of your job. If your boss asked you to give a presentation to a large group of people (and you are petrified of public speaking) but your job depended on it, you most probably would push yourself to do it. That external resource is sometimes necessary to make us do things we are scared of. If you don't feel strong enough to push yourself as you feel you don't have enough resources, then look for encouragement and motivation from others. Build your accountability to your friend, family member, or work with a coach. Sometimes that extra push is needed to get you going.

5. Respond with your rational mind rather than feelings

In fearful situations we often talk ourselves into feeling more scared, responding to these situations by using emotional thinking rather than using logical thinking based on facts and truths. Logical thinking often helps us remain calm, sensible and reasonable, while responding with emotions and feelings to what we believe and perceive as truth, often makes us feel irrational, nervous and paranoid. It is natural to react emotionally to certain situations, it is the sign of a healthy mind, however being able to choose how you respond to situations will help you receive the outcome you wish to achieve.

6. Stay in the Now

Most of us live either in the past or in the future. We don’t really realise it until we start thinking about it. We often regret things we have done or things we haven’t done and we get wound up and worried about things that may happen, things that haven’t even taken place yet. It is good to reflect on the past and think about future if it is going to help us in overcoming our fears, for example: using strategies that helped us in the past or thinking about how we can overcome our fear and what could help us in the future rather than dwelling on the negative emotions that fear brought us and will bring us.

7. Share your fears

Having someone onto whom you can offload your feelings, emotions and pressures can be very helpful. By doing so, you could take some weight off your shoulders and feel lighter but also talking things through with someone can help you in coming up with more options and ideas on how to overcome your fears. Also, saying things out loud make them more real and therefore encourage stronger commitment to making positive changes.
I think the story below reflects this nicely:
“A man was trying very hard to lift a large rock.
His friend approached and asked him, “Are you using all of your strength?”
“Yes, I’m trying my hardest,” the man said.
“Are you sure?” the friend pressed him.
“Of course I’m using all of my strength!” the man replied impatiently.
“No, you’re not,” said the friend. “I’m standing right here and you haven’t asked me for help.” “

8. Find techniques and strategies that work for you

In situations when you are faced by fear it is important to have coping strategies that help you overcome and ease off your fears. Different things work for different people, but one simple technique that can really calm you down and helps to adjust your state within seconds is deep, slow breathing. In order to adjust your hormones you can also do 2 minutes of power posing before going into a stressful, evaluative situation. You can find out more about this from my previous blog. Preparation, goal setting, visualisation, affirmations, distraction, NLP techniques and adjusting your body language and smiling are also very effective.

9. What's the worst that could happen?

Putting things into perspective will often help you realise that things are not as scary as they seem to be. Focusing on the outcome you want to get and thinking about benefits of overcoming your fears can also help you deal with your fears better.

10. Praise yourself

When you have taken steps, however small they might be, towards overcoming your fears, give yourself a pat on the back for being brave and remember that by challenging your fears you are making progress towards positive changes in your life.
What are your tips? What helps you overcome your fears?
We all struggle with different fears, faulty mindsets and limiting beliefs, after all we are all human. The key is to build our awareness and recognise what it is that we need to change and work on to help us overcome our fears and not to allow our fears get the better of us.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.” — Eleanor Roosevelt